In an unexpected turn of events early on Thursday, Barack Obama announced that he is to reform the Choom Gang with immediate effect. Barry, as he now likes to be known, declared the insanity of the Republican Party to be simply too much for him to handle, and claimed that cannabis is the only solution. Affecting a bad back as he was filmed attempting to get a medical marijuana recommendation from his doctor, the President admitted that perhaps a rethink was due over federal cannabis laws.
Obama had famously stated his position as being anti-cannabis, but after a conversation with almost any last fucking idiot on the planet he changed his mind. His wife, children, and family dog are said to be relieved they’ve managed to sway him on this topic, which has become almost as controversial as giving equal rights to humans who love each other.
“If the Republicans really wanted to stop people from taking drugs, they’d ensure we didn’t have to deal with their bullshit on a daily basis. Cannabis, plain and simple, saves lives. Whenever I hear Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh open their mouths, it makes me want to reach for my pipe. Which is a marked improvement on going for my gun. Yes I can, but I probably shouldn’t,” said the President.
It has been suggested that Republicanism is a gateway to graver offences such as rape advocation and even an LSD-esque belief that corporations are somehow able to be people, presumably with vibrating, melty walls.
FOX News jumped on the story, with generic blonde anchorbot #78 commenting that if god had wanted humans to use cannabis, he wouldn’t have let it grow in “brown people countries” and called it marijuana. She concluded by etching a swastika in her forehead, using only her own stupidity.
TCG News is expecting a slew of new patients coming down with Romnitis; a disease which could affect up to 100% of the population, de facto legalizing use for the entire nation.
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